I’m a legend in my virtual living room, and now I’ve seeped into yours. Hooray! You’ve heard of me, right? Of course you have. I’m sure you saw that Marie Claire article. I’d be a household name today if I weren’t too busy being too busy to write more!
That’s why I need YOU, dear readers! And someone who works at Kinko’s to give me discounts in exchange for a forgotten promise of sex. And a TV talk show. It’s what they don’t teach us English majors—we should have mandatory cross-enrollments in sales and marketing! I also need cheerleaders, a pep squad, some pep pills and a gopher. A go-for?
But seriously: Tell me you’ve never read a book and gone, “That sucked.” The shelves are filled with an array of qualities, and I’m feeling very top shelf, darling.
My career is a Ferrari and I don’t know how to drive stickshift. Do you ever feel like that? I’m a Barbie in an American Girl store. (Shudder.) A cat at the Westminster Kennel Club. An oil executive in a Prius.
But that’s okay, world, I forgive you. Because it’s On like Donkey Kong! I’m on the starting line and YOU are holding the checkered flag. Does that sound right? I’m on the runway and your finger is on the camera. I’m on the bed and you’re… you know?
Thank you for visiting my website! I hope that someday I will be coming to wherever it is that you live on some crazy, gilded book tour, and that I will have my own, pink tour bus with my name emblazoned on the sides and on top for anyone in a helicopter or low-flying plane.
I hope to receive honorary degrees from institutions of higher education so that I don’t have to take the time or money to earn them myself.
I hope that you are always entertained and inspired when you come here, and that you tell all your Facebook friends, real and fake, to come here too.
I hope that other writers of slightly lesser talent will band together with me until it’s like the Lost Generation all over again, only not in Paris, unless you are in Paris. Just virtual Paris. A place where you can wear yarmulkes to school and where the franc lives on at a 5:1 ratio to the dollar. Good times… sigh…
I hope that your boss doesn’t catch you hanging out with me when you should be doing something else. I hope you ARE the boss. And I hope that if you do hold a position in upper management and are a hot man looking for love, you’ll let me know.
Please check out my life’s work, a teaser of it anyways—love it, hate it, use it as a tool to warn your daughters about life, and learn about me and other writerly organizations out there, if only to be able to tell my genius webmaster if any links are down.
Very Sincerely,
Stephanie Block